My Opening Scene's Crash Test

Let me briefly get you up to speed, in case you don't religiously follow my posts:
Holly Lisle is an author who has published over 30 novels. She makes a living doing it and she is amazing! She also happens to be a great teacher and devotes her time (in between novel writing) to teaching writers how to be better writers. I've mentioned her Clinics and course How to Think Sideways, but she also does Crash Tests.
A crash test is where she takes a few paragraphs of fiction from one of her students (and there are a TON of us) and she picks them apart piece by piece, showing what's good, what went wrong, and how to fix it. She just posted her fourth crash test AND IT'S MINE!!! Holy cow!

It's very helpful. I knew there were things wrong with it, but didn't know how to fix them. Anyway, here's the link to Holly Lisle and the Case of the Ghostly Girls.