Improved Scene: Mom, Meet Nathan

Okay, I have about ten Sentence Lites done. (There are a lot of really short scenes in Chapter 2.) One of them was a bad sentence that I posted earlier:

So as a reminder, here's the old Sentence:

And here is my new card:

Not perfect, but switching the POV definitely helped. At least there's a conflict now.

First Three Sentence Lites

I started working on revamping my scenes' sentences today. Finishing three scenes took a lot less time than I thought. If I maintain this pace I'll be done in three weeks, but I'd like to finish sooner.

I've been using Liquid Story Binder to make "note cards". Each "card" can be used to track my scenes, sentences, sequencing, and the elements that each scene should have. LSB also has some nifty tools that make the process more fun.

These actors are Colleen Dengel, XiXi Yang, and Dyllan Christopher, who I think look like Rachel, Lisa, and Nathan. Just something to make note carding more interesting.

The pictures represent the point of veiw character. If you can read these (I know it's tiny guys :( I'm sorry.), I have the scene title, the old sentence (if it's an old scene), what I've changed (if it's a new scene), the protag, antag, conflict, twist, and setting, and then the new sentence.

The process is actually fun and seeing a well-put-together sentence gives me chills :) It's exciting to see this come together.

Sample Scenes: Good and Bad, and How to Fix Them

For the past couple of days, I've been working on Lesson 8 of Think Sideways. So far, I have written a Sentence Lite describing each one of my 54 scenes (a few of which haven't been written yet). As I mentioned before, some of my scenes have everything they need.

Others have been found lacking.

So as part of my process I've decided to post some of my less-than-savory scene sentences. As I revise them, you should be able to see an improvement (I hope).
WARNING: SPOILERS. Stop reading this post if you don't want to read them!

But first, so you can see 1) what does work, 2) what I'm aiming for, and 3) that there is some hope for me as a writer, I'm going to post a couple of sentences that I'm pleased with.

Here, we have protagonist (Nathan) against the antagonist (burning wreckage) in a conflict (fighting to save Rachel's life) with a twist (Nathan is a ghost, but is somehow able to pull Rachel to safety). The setting is embedded in the antagonist: burning wreckage.

The protagonist (Rachel) against the antagonist (the shade) in conflict (an attack that causes Rachel to lose consciousness) with a twist (the shade was waiting for her).
This one isn't quite twisty enough and could use some tweaking.

So here it goes. My crappy scenes:

Okay "introduces" and "explaining" are not conflict. They are boring. There isn't an antagonist. I suppose Nathan's unique situation could be a twist, but it's not a very good one. See the fixed version here.

Again, a conversation isn't conflict. For there to be conflict in dialogue, they have to want different things or there has to be some subtext that causes conflict. The improved scene is here.

While this is great news for Lisa, there isn't much conflict. The scene needs some work and the sentence needs a LOT of work. Mostly, Rachel is suspicious of Kevin, but doesn't want to disappoint her friend. That's the conflict, but it could be better. Improved scene: here.

Learning is not conflict. Nor is a discussion. There needs to be more tension. There needs to be something at stake here. See the improved version of this scene.

I think the scene is okay, but the sentence needs reworking. The verbs aren't very strong and don't convey any tension. Here's the improved scene.

So there you have it. 5 scenes in desperate need of a makeover. Let's see what I can do.

Here are the before and after shots of my first three scenes.

Okay, New Plan

I just finished Lesson 8 of How to Think Sideways and, to be honest, I'm a little overwhelmed. Basically, the lesson says to write a sentence (called the Sentence Lite) for each scene that describes the protagonist, her conflict, the obstacle/antagonist, the twist, and maybe the setting. If you don't have these, then the scene is incomplete. Thinking back, I'm glad I have SOME scenes with all of these elements, but there are a lot of scenes that don't.

So, I need to go back, make a plot card for each scene with the complete Sencence Lite on each one, and figure out how much I have to revamp.

This is really going to help my writing. Now that I'm more aware, the scenes with all of these elements are the best scenes in Shadows. Now I have the tools to make every scene just as good. This is going to be a challenge.

I knew I'd have a lot of work to do. Don't get me wrong. But now that it's time to get crackin' I'm nervous. How much will I have to cut? How much will I need to rewrite? Will I have enough time to plan my phantom novel before November?

Stay tuned.